People Pleasing is Not Kindness: 5 Things to Know About Being a Yes-Man
Written By: Cassie Herring
I have some questions for you. Yes, you! Go ahead and answer these for me:
- Is it hard for you to say no?
- Do you apologize when you’re at fault or when you’re not to blame?
- Are you quick to agree, even if you don’t really agree?
- Do you feel the need to make other people like you?
If you answered yes to any (or all) of those questions, you might have some people-pleasing tendencies. But don’t worry, you’re not alone. Many people struggle in this area.
Here are 5 things to know about being a yes-man (or yes-woman!):
1. People-pleasing is not kindness
I read this on Instagram the other day and it stopped me in my tracks. My initial reaction was to keep scrolling, dismissing it as just another post but as my day went on, I felt that phrase returning to me over and over. So I’ll let it sink in for you too: people-pleasing is not kindness.
You can cultivate a generous spirit and still say no when necessary. You can be understanding and stand on your own convictions. You can be kind and have standards for the people who are in your life. Even Jesus said no and he was the embodiment of these traits. To learn more about this, check out the Youversion Bible plan called “Set Boundaries Like Jesus.” Shoutout to Drew for the recommendation!
2. People-pleasing is not a demonstration of love
Treating people with love is one of the central ideas of the Christian faith but people pleasing isn’t loving. In the book named after him, Luke wrote, “Treat others the way you want to be treated (6:31) which many of us know as the Golden Rule. The Bible urges us to love one another (John 13:34) but having nonexistent boundaries, fighting for the approval of others, and doing what you would otherwise not do for the sake of being liked is not love.
“ Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.” — 1 Corinthians 13:4–8
Getting a friend’s stamp of approval feels awesome but if you’re only buying them dinner to get a pat on the back, it isn’t loving. Maybe you just wanted the praise and that’s natural, we all want to be affirmed. However, doing good deeds with the sole purpose of getting recognition is self-seeking, a quality that Paul explicitly states is not aligned with love. If the ultimate goal of a particular action is to get that rush of satisfaction and praise, it might just have crossed over into another territory. Ask yourself: am I doing this to bring glory to His name or bring glory to my name?
“And whatever you do, in word or deed, do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him” — Colossians 3:17
3. Winning man’s approval is a losing game
We are fickle creatures. How many times have you changed your mind in the past month? What singers do you dislike now that you used to swoon over growing up? What popular fashion trends were all the range in 2002 but would earn a loud scoff from you now? (Low rise jeans, anyone?) People’s tastes change like the weather. Even body types have gone in and out of season. If you try to keep up with man’s ever-changing preferences, you’re guaranteed to burn out. You simply cannot and will not please everyone. It’s impossible.
In a recent IGTV @delight_hamptonu’s Instagram, my good friends Mia and Gabrielle talked about confidence. During the session, Mia said:
“If you try to please people, you will be shapeshifting to try and fit everyone’s version of what they want. You will lose yourself and become loose. You cannot please everyone, even Jesus could not please everyone.”
I scrambled to write down her words and draw the visual it created in my mind. Have I been shapeshifting this entire time? What shape did God intend for me to hold and why have I altered it to please people who will never be satisfied?
The great news is that while you may never win the approval of every human, it is possible to win God’s approval. His standards don’t change and they’re clearly laid out in the Good Book.
4. Their opinions don’t matter
Not only are people’s opinions subject to change, but they’re also of little consequence. Isaiah 2:22 says, “Stop regarding a man in whose nostrils is breath, for of what account is he?” In the grand scheme of things, someone else’s opinion of you matters very little. You can expend all of your energy getting someone to like you and after it all, after you’re finished huffing and puffing to catch your breath, you’ll see that nothing truly came of it. As they say, people have “neither a heaven or a hell to put you in.” Our lives are in the hands of God Almighty “from whom all good things come,” not other fallible people (James 1:17).
Matthew 10:28 urges us, “Do not fear those who kill the body but cannot kill the soul. Rather fear him who can destroy both soul and body in hell.” — Matthew 10:28.
5. You cannot serve two masters
Paul asks himself in the book of Galatians, “Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ” (1:10). At this moment, he reveals that you cannot be a servant of people and of Christ. “No one can serve two masters. Either you will hate the one and love the other, or you will be devoted to the one and despise the other” (Matthew 6:24). We are ultimately called to serve God and bring Him glory. Through that obedience, we extend kindness to others. It should all be for Christ, not for brief acceptance or approval.
If you struggle with people-pleasing, I invite you to say this aloud prayer with me:
Heavenly Father, thank you for the gift of your son Jesus and the many blessings you’ve given me. You know my very heart so you know that I struggle with people-pleasing. I repent of placing people before you. I want to seek your approval, your favor, and your face above all things. Help me to create healthy relationships with others that do not revolve around saying yes to everything or allowing myself to become a doormat. Steer me away from smooth-talking and manipulative flattery. Remove the desire to please people from my heart and replace it with a desire to please you and you alone. I believe that it has already been done and that I am changed for the better. In you, I am a new creation. In Jesus’ Name, I Pray. Amen.
What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? — Romans 8:31
